How can I help my alcoholic husband or family member?

If you feel concerned that your partner is drinking problematically, then there are a few things you can do to support them and a few things to avoid. This is my perspective as the problem drinker who got sober based on my own experience and my interactions with my husband, who does not struggle with his drinking.

Important things to know when your family member has an alcohol problem

Use person-first language

The correct terminology is person with alcohol use disorder. The label “alcoholic” is dated and makes many people feel badly about themselves. In my experience, I fought to moderate my drinking to avoid being labeled as an alcoholic. Labeling your family member can make them more resistant to getting help. Some people feel empowered by the term, so you should check with your family member and let them you what language they prefer.

You can’t make someone quit drinking

You can’t control your family members drinking, help them moderate, or force them to quit. They have to want to get help for themselves.

Mistakes when talking to your partner about their drinking

We will protect our drinking at all costs, so the following approaches may encourage your partner to shut down or begin hiding their drinking.

“Haven’t you had enough?”

No one likes to be told while they’re drinking that they’ve had enough. This is not the right time to speak to your partner or family member about it. I know it can be frustrating to watch them get drunk again and again, but loss of control is one of the first symptoms of alcohol use disorder. This means that we never have enough and many drinkers can’t stop once they start.

It may seem impossible to you that someone can’t stop drinking once they start, but heavy drinking changes the brain and it changes our experience with alcohol. Problem drinkers think differently and experience alcohol differently than most people do.

“I think you’re an alcoholic”

Most problem drinkers secretly worry about their drinking, but the thought of never being able to drink ever again is overwhelming. Pointing out to us that you think we have a problem is going to make us protect our drinking and not want to talk to you about it because you will just remind us that we have a problem. This could also encourage them to begin hiding their drinking.

Alcohol prevents us from thinking clearly and it seems like it’s the solution for everything. Our loved ones can see how much of a problem it is for years, but the drinker has to reach that conclusion themselves for it to have an impact.

How to talk to your partner about their drinking

Here’s what to do instead.

Your partner is going to complain about negative symptoms from their drinking like anxiety, exhaustion, poor sleep, hangovers, consequences at work, depression, etc. This is your opportunity to speak to them about it.

Remember, telling someone they have a problem is just going to make them defend their drinking. Instead, ask probing questions, don’t tell them it’s because of their drinking.

“Why do you think you’re so depressed lately honey?”

“Why do you think you missed that work deadline?”

“Have you noticed any patterns with your anxiety? Anything that could be causing it?”

Probing questions help your partner reach the conclusion themselves that alcohol is causing their misery. This is what is required for someone to quit drinking for good. We can’t do it for other people, we have to do it for ourselves and truly understand that it is bringing misery to our lives.

Even if they don’t connect it to their drinking right away, resist the urge to tell them their anxiety is from the 15 beers they drank last night.

Don’t enable your partner

Your partner or loved one needs to feel and understand the full consequences of their drinking. Don’t protect them from these consequences by paying tickets, calling in sick for them, making excuses, or babying them when they are hungover.

Although you love your partner and want to help them, this prevents them from seeing the negatives that alcohol is bringing to their life.

Enabling can also happen by you drinking around them, encouraging them to try to moderate, or hoping they can learn how to control it someday.

You are enough

It may feel like your partner doesn’t love you enough to quit drinking, but please know that it has nothing to do with you. Alcohol completely takes over our brains and prevents us from thinking clearly. We drink compulsively even though it makes us miserable. We stop having fun and start hating ourselves, but we still can’t quit.

I promise you are enough exactly how you are.

Get support for yourself

It’s awful to watch someone go through this. It is important that you get support too because their drinking is having an impact on you whether you realize it or not yet.

I encourage you to go to therapy with someone who specializes in helping families with alcohol use disorder, attend Al Anon meetings to get support from other loved one’s in your position, and most importantly, please remember you never have to stay. You are important too, and if you have children then this is not healthy for them to witness.

Make sure to prioritize your self-care and take time for yourself for your mental health. It can be easy to slack on caring for yourself when you want to help your partner so badly.

Heather Ross, a mom who does not struggle with addiction herself, has an excellent podcast and other resources to support you. I encourage you to check out the Living With Your Child’s Addiction Podcast.

Understanding your partner’s experience and why they can’t stop drinking can help you process what is going on so you aren’t blaming yourself or feeling like they don’t love you enough to quit. I explain the science of addiction in my podcast, Sober Powered, to help drinkers and their loved one’s understand why this happens.

“I started listening to Gillian a few months ago as an educational tool for me. I do not have an issue with alcohol. I’m the “take it or leave it” husband of a wife who struggles and I know she struggles. Gillian’s podcast episodes have REALLY opened my eyes to the world in which my wife must live! There are so many nuances about the struggle and with every episode Gillian untangles the overlapping threads of why people drink, why people become dependent, why they get sober, how they stay sober, why they “relapse” (and even if one should call it a “relapse”) and on and on!

You’ll never get all the information in one or two of her podcasts. Every one of them fit together in a real practical way. I believe in process and I believe in God and I believe this podcast is part of God’s process in our lives.”- CaptainTangent121, Apple Podcasts