4 Things to Know About Relapse
1) You don’t ruin your brain because you had a slip or a relapse
Does having a slip ruin your brain?
Of course not!
And no, this is not permission to go have a drink.
Do I know the exact number of drinks/drinking days that is required to “ruin your brain”?
Also no.
There is no set amount because everyone has different genetics.
What I do know is this, you make a lot of progress in however many sober days you got before you drank. If you had 3 days and drank, well, there wasn’t much healing done yet at that point so there wasn’t much to “ruin”. Remember, it takes about 2 weeks for us to get out of the withdrawal stage… learn more about withdrawal here.
If you’re continuously going back and forth, then you have more important things to worry about- like how to get out of that cycle.
Check out episode 191: going back and forth makes your cravings stronger
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If you had months or years and drank once, then you didn’t completely go back to where you were before you quit drinking. That time of healing and learning has not been erased.
I know resetting your days SUCKS and it’s demotivating, but you don’t reset what you’ve learned about sobriety and all the experiences you’ve had sober. Quitting drinking is a process and it takes time to truly understand how alcohol impacts our lives.
I wouldn’t be where I’m at today without the 2 breaks I had. I needed to go back to drinking and see nothing was going to change.
Slips aren’t benign though (so again, you’re not getting permission from me!), and I’ll tell you in next all about the downside of a slip.
2) A slip can re-activate the mental obsession, especially if it wasn’t “that bad”
Although a slip doesn’t erase all your progress and healing, it does activate the mental obsession, also known as a mental relapse.
This is why slips are so bad, even if you tell yourself it wasn’t that bad because you only had a drink or 2 or you were able to get back on track.
Something happened that convinced you you could take a break from your sobriety and be okay. This thing will happen again, and you may use your “slip” as justification for why you can drink that next time.
And before you know it, you’re right back where you started.
Check out episode 181: why you keep drinking and expecting it to be different
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You start bargaining with yourself, looking for opportunities to drink, and trying to justify why you can drink a little bit.
This back and forth thinking is not normal though. This is something problem drinkers do. Take it or leave it drinkers drink or they don’t, and it doesn’t matter either way.
For me, I use the back and forth thinking as justification for why I still can’t drink and why it still won’t be any different.
Check out episode 164: how taking breaks helped me quit for good
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Does this mean you suck and you’re doomed to relapse and ruin your life?
No, of course not.
But you need to take this seriously so you don’t talk yourself back into trying to moderate again.
Next week, we’ll talk about what a slip or a relapse really means and what you can do about it.
3) A relapse means you need to do something different
If you had a slip or a relapse, then it means you need to do something different.
If you’re not getting any support or it’s only 1 sided support (podcasts, social media, emails, blogs, etc), then you should look into support where people can respond to you - therapy, getting a sponsor, online community, coaching, joining a program.
If you are getting support, but you’re a lurker or a dabbler, then you should challenge yourself to show up consistently, turn your camera on, make posts, comment on other people’s posts, go to meetings, etc.
If you are getting support and you’re taking it very seriously, then you should look to your day to day life and see what is bringing you back to drinking.
How’s your relationship? Does your partner encourage you to drink? Have you communicated how serious your sobriety is to you? Is this a healthy relationship?
How’s your job? Does work make you want to drink? Do you have boundaries?
Do you do any self-care?
Do you manage your stress or does it build and build?
Do you communicate your needs to others or do you stuff it and people please?
Do you drink water and eat nutritious meals?
Do you have anxiety or depression? How are you managing it?
Do you have any hobbies?
How’s your commitment? Do you secretly hope you can moderate or drink on special occasions someday? Be honest.
What I’ve found in my work is there are a lot of reasons we drink. Spend some time today reflecting on yours.
Check out episode 154: Keep Coming Back. Relapse is Not the End
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E151: Why Your Attempts to Quit Drinking Aren't Working
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4) How to do a post-mortem of your relapse
If you don’t understand why you drank, then you’re probably going to drink again.
Do social events get you? Or more specifically, is it that you can’t tolerate feeling uncomfortable and awkward when you arrive?
Did you drink to reward yourself? Or more specifically, is it that you needed a reward for tolerating a life that overwhelms and depletes you?
Did you drink because you’re bored? Or more specifically, is it that you feel unfulfilled or are still looking for shortcuts?
This is some of the work I help walk my clients through in anger management or in my sober programs.
Many of us can understand level 1, I drink because I’m bored, anxious, tired, angry, etc
But we don’t understand that there are more levels below that. For example, are you tired because you don’t take breaks and you do everything for everyone? Are you angry because you don’t set boundaries and you have low self-esteem?
If you’re continuing to go back to drinking, then spend some time thinking about what drinking is doing for you.
Ex. My client drank after coming home from a conference and she was shocked. She had focused so hard on planning for success and preparing for the plane and all the triggering moments while she would be at the event.
It’s easy to feel like a failure in a situation like this. You may think, “I’m working so hard and I still can’t figure this out wtf! I was doing so well!”
This can be so discouraging and can encourage you to just give up and drink again.
However, if you can hang on and follow the story you can figure out the next layer.
What she learned in analyzing this experience is that she came home to a house with no food in it after a long, exhausting day of flying. This unanticipated stressor was too much with all the other stress she felt in that moment, and instinctually, without thinking much of it, she decided pizza and wine was the solution.
The learning? Never come home to a house with no food. Anticipate stressors at the end of your trip, not just before and during.
Now, instead of feeling defeated, she feels empowered.
E117: Why Sobriety Eventually Just Clicks
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E197: Making the DECISION to Quit Drinking
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Episode 192: do you really need a drink or are you just hungry
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